Packers Sign Norris

Chuck Norris Fact # 7825:
Chuck Norris invented the
forward pass... in 1823!


Keith is Good! Sports!
23 September 2009
Green Bay, WI

In preparation for their upcoming Monday Night Football game against former-Packer Brett Favre and his rival Minnesota Vikings, Green Bay have signed Chuck Norris to a one-game contract.

"We aim to put the best team on the field," said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. "We love Brett Favre for what he did in his many seasons in Green Bay, but we have to balance that against our desire to see him badly dismembered."

The move originated earlier this week after Packers' GM Ted Thompson scoured the internet for "awesome secret weapons" to use against Favre's Vikings.

"Chuck Norris' skill set is amazing!" said Thompson. "Did you know he can Photosynthesize light but prefers supping on the flesh of freshly-killed prey? He can also run fast enough to reverse Earth's rotational inertia but chooses not to because he doesn't want to seem 'braggy.' I found a whole website listing his resume point by point. After the first page of facts, I was sold."

The only sticking point seems to be a clause in Mr. Norris' contract which requires he wear uniform number 4.69 x 10^89 , so as to accurately represent his strength relative to the other players on the field. As NFL uniforms are by rule numbered 1-99, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell must sign off before Norris' contract is finalized.

The Packers remain confident the contract will ultimately be accepted and Norris' addition will ensure the defeat of their former QB come Monday, Oct. 5th.

"I mean, his gaze can spontaneously combust woodland mammals and ionize hydrogen," said Packers linebacker AJ Hawk. "Unless the Vikings Offensive Tackle is Bruce Lee from "Way of the Dragon," I think Chuck is a lock for at least sixty-eight sacks."

Comedian Awaits Humor of Swayze Jokes

Comedian Winton Jones
actually landed a paying gig.


Keith is Good! News!
18 September 2009
Cincinnati, OH

Winton Jones, the self-proclaimed "Second-Funniest Act in Cincinnati" ("I've got nothing on the Bengals - ZING!") can't wait until Patrick Swayze jokes become funny again. Known throughout the Queen City for his Carrot-Top-esque prop comedy, Jones laments the 'Dirty Dancing' star's battle with cancer and recent death.

"It's a tragedy," explains Jones, adjusting his bowtie for effect. "Swayze was my bread and butter!"

Jones extracts a blow-up doll from his "Case-O-Hilarity" (the words are stenciled on the side) and perform a pastiche he calls "Dirty Point Break Roadhouse Ghost Dancing." After what seem endless minutes of wild gesticulation and a rather off-key Keanu Reeves impersonation, Winton shouts, "Pain don't hurt! Six seconds we'll be meat waffles!" and "surfs" back to our table.

A cricket chirps somewhere outside.

Weekly Hell!

Spacehog finds new success as a Spacehog cover band

Spacehog is gaining acclaim as
the best Spacehog-esqe band
since Spacehog.

Keith is Good! Muisc News

2o August 2009
Des Moines IA

Glam-rockers Spacehog, hailed as one-hit-wonders for their 1996 single "In the Meantime," have recaptured some of their 90's success touring as a Spacehog cover band. Royston Langdon, lauded for his on-stage performances as Royston Langdon, Spacehog's bassist and lead vocalist, explained the situation after Spacehog's recent show at the Des Moines Fairground.

"After [Spacehog's 2001 Album] 'The Hogyssey' flopped, we figured it was done, you know?" Royston's north-central British accent warbled as he took a sip of green tea. "We went our separate ways. When [Langdon's erstwhile wife] Liv [Tyler] moved out to LA, I started gigging in coffee shops just for something to do. On a lark one night, I started playing 'In the Meantime.' Everyone went nuts. A guy in the crowd requested 'Space is the Place,' so I spent the whole night doing Spacehog covers."

Acclaim for this pitch-perfect Spacehog cover act spread like wildfire. Soon Royston recruited Johnny Cragg to play Spacehog's drummer Johnny Cragg, Richard Steel to take up the guitar of Richard Steel, and finally convinced his brother Antony Langdon to play the part of Royston's brother and guitarist Antony Langdon. They played their first show January 13th in Berkely CA, opening for Weezer cover band, "Rivers Cuomo's Surgically Enhanced Left Leg." Longtime Hogger and Spacehog aficionado Brian Jones was at the show.

"It was absolutley amazing," Brian beamed, chest puffing under his 1996 Spacehog Resident Alien World Tour T-Shirt. "Mind you, they weren't quite as good as the real Spacehog, and they looked a bit too old, but still...Spacehog is the best Spacehog cover band I've ever seen."

Jones' sentiment has echoed across the country from countless fairgrounds, Bar Mitzvahs, frat house basements and public libraries. After their engagement in Des Moines, Spacehog takes their cover act to Independence MI, Tulsa OK and beyond. Now flush with bookings in low-rent theatres and community spaces around the country, what does Spacehog aim to achieve?

"Well," Royston confides with a grin, "We hear Spacehog is planning a renuion tour... it would be bloody brilliant if Spacehog could open for them."

Indians Ace Cliff Lee Traded to Philadelphia Philles

A Keith is Good! Sports Brief

29 July 2009

MLB's Cleveland Indians dealt star pitcher Cliff Lee and reserve outfielder Ben Fransisco to the Philadelphia Phillies in exchange for 4 minor league prospects.

"Honestly I thought I was being Punk'd." said Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. "We get an ace pitcher without losing any of our top minor league players? But then [Indians General Manager Mark] Shapiro gave me a call and assured me there was no punking in place."

According to secret documents acquired by Keith is Good! Sports! (at a cost of many Bothan lives), the deal originally included a request that each Indians' fan be personally punched; a clause written out of the final contract.

When pressed on this point, Amaro Jr. shrugged his shoulders.

"I didn't feel the need for that particular clause. I mean, we came close enough anyway, right?"

Breaking! Brett Favre Makes Decision!

Goes with Over-Easy.

a Keith is Good! Breaking Sports Brief

24 July 2009
Hattiesburg, MS


waitress Kara Williams finds
relief in Favre's Choice

After much indecision and speculation, quasi-retired NFL Quarterback Brett Favre has just now announced he's decided to have eggs over-easy with his Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. The announcement came at 4:28 PM after seven hours and forty-six minutes of deliberation.

Kara Williams, Favre's server, sighed with relief.

"I asked if he wanted his eggs scrambled or over-easy with his Grand Slam, and [Mr. Favre] just sat there staring at the menu." Williams, a veteran server on the Denny's team, explained her frustration. "At first it was interesting - will he or wont he [scramble]? - but by Noon, we were all pretty tired of his antics. Our team just needed to know moving forward, you know? Our two line cooks were just in limbo back there waiting."

Reports say Favre seemed hesitant but pleased, explaining he wanted to be 100% sure he was ready for the accompanying toast should he choose over-easy eggs.

"I'm not a young man anymore," Favre said through a mouthful of pancakes, "I needed to be sure I was ready for the rigors of a full Grand Slam Breakfast." When asked how this affects his NFL plans, Favre looked away and pretended not to hear.

With this decision made, the Denny's team can now rest easy and prepare for the dinner rush. Ms. Williams summed it aptly when she told ESPN:

"He better leave a huge f***ing tip."

My e-mail to Glenn Beck:

In case you haven't already heard it, check out my new voicemail message from 3:20-3:30 of the audio below:
http://dauntingideas.com/content/glenn-beck-finally-goes-insane-random-lady-phone-gets-wrath


Or, you can listen to Glenn try Death Metal: