When I said my quest to become

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM™

would follow as I (woefully) tried to defeat the ten hardest titles for the NES, I was telling a half-truth. What I failed to mention at the outset was my Ten Hardest NES Games of All Time is ten like the B1G TEN (meaning there's actually 12).Two games garnered almost as many votes for difficulty as votes for crapiness, earning them a place near the list despite being almost universally reviled.

It's "Enteractive."

The first of those two games—and the first in my quest for NES supremacy—is Karate Kid. Developed by a team of LSD-fueled monkeys Altus, Co. and released by LJN in 1987, Karate Kid is a grab-bag of disparate plot elements loosely based on the film franchise of the same name. There's a Karate Tournament, some wind and a Guy with a Spear.

Now, I could spend a few paragraphs decrying the construction of this game: awkward hit direction, bad jump physics, A.I. on par with spore mold, but others have said it better. I'll just say the game is poorly made, which, ironically, makes it both incredibly difficult and mind-numbingly easy.

Stop running into my foot.
Stop running into my foot...

LEVEL 1:
Case in point: our first level is a karate tournament. The Neanderthal A.I.'s strategy is to run full-bore at you, even when your foot is in their face. So, if a dude gets near you, just ask yourself, WWCND (What Would Chuck Norris Do?)? The answer—kick that sumbitch in the face. The A.I. remains painfully stupid from the first baddie to the very last, so if ANYONE gets near you, kick him right in his stupid face. What's that? You said you want to use a hammer punch or crane-kick (your practically useless power-up moves)? Nope—kick him in the face. You want to Sweep the Leg? False—just kick him in the face, idiot.

Packers Sign Norris

Chuck Norris Fact # 7825:
Chuck Norris invented the
forward pass... in 1823!


Keith is Good! Sports!
23 September 2009
Green Bay, WI

In preparation for their upcoming Monday Night Football game against former-Packer Brett Favre and his rival Minnesota Vikings, Green Bay have signed Chuck Norris to a one-game contract.

"We aim to put the best team on the field," said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. "We love Brett Favre for what he did in his many seasons in Green Bay, but we have to balance that against our desire to see him badly dismembered."

The move originated earlier this week after Packers' GM Ted Thompson scoured the internet for "awesome secret weapons" to use against Favre's Vikings.

"Chuck Norris' skill set is amazing!" said Thompson. "Did you know he can Photosynthesize light but prefers supping on the flesh of freshly-killed prey? He can also run fast enough to reverse Earth's rotational inertia but chooses not to because he doesn't want to seem 'braggy.' I found a whole website listing his resume point by point. After the first page of facts, I was sold."

The only sticking point seems to be a clause in Mr. Norris' contract which requires he wear uniform number 4.69 x 10^89 , so as to accurately represent his strength relative to the other players on the field. As NFL uniforms are by rule numbered 1-99, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell must sign off before Norris' contract is finalized.

The Packers remain confident the contract will ultimately be accepted and Norris' addition will ensure the defeat of their former QB come Monday, Oct. 5th.

"I mean, his gaze can spontaneously combust woodland mammals and ionize hydrogen," said Packers linebacker AJ Hawk. "Unless the Vikings Offensive Tackle is Bruce Lee from "Way of the Dragon," I think Chuck is a lock for at least sixty-eight sacks."