reWeez: "Dope Nose"

"Dope Nose" might be the absolute worst of Weezer's worst lyrics. "Says who?" you say? Well, let's ask Weezer frontman, Rivers Cuomo:

"['Dope Nose' is] not about anything. It's just a bunch of garbage lyrics."

"Dope Nose" is "a bunch of garbage lyrics," written in a tequila/Ritalin haze (yes, really).

And while the whole lyric sheet is bizarre, the main offender here is a gay slur in the second verse. Though the early 2000's were a different time (the first state to legalize gay marriage, Massachusetts, wouldn’t do so until '05), the slur didn’t need to be included then and absolutely should be removed now. That Weezer continued to perform “Dope Nose," slur included, as late as 2015 is a head-shaker.

If "Dope Nose" were a baseball player we'd say it has plus power but zero brains. The track bops, despite itself. "Dope Nose" is the career minor leaguer who shows up to the ballpark still hungover, who strikes out two-thirds of the time but still mashes enough dingers to score an occasional groupie. After floundering for a few years as a demo, Weezer called "Dope Nose" up to the Big Leagues, putting it second on their 2002 album, Maladroit. Many hailed the album as Weezer's best since Pinkerton.

The song starts with some great ooh-oohs that I unironically love (and that might be the part of this lyric sheet): 

Oh
Whoa-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh

Then Rivers starts tossing out garbage. Despite his claim the words mean nothing, "Dope Nose" seems to form a cohesive narrative about, shall we say, Better Living Through Chemistry.¹ With that in mind, we'll try to arrange the song's nonsense around the ideas of escapism and mild drug use.

Debts on my head
Wasting time, Blazing dimes, on my own
Sleep Please, rescue me
Take me back to my home the unknown (Oh, take me home)

So we've set up that our narrator is under a lot of pressure. They don't have "debt," they have "debts." Plural. Much worse. They've also got a little weed, a little time, and a little need for escape. The math practically does itself.

Then comes a gobbledygook refrain. Individually, each word has meaning. But strung together, they verge on incoherence. How exactly does one, and I quote, "bust ryhmes real slow?"

For the times that nights when you wanna go and
Bust rhymes real slow Make time spin slow
I'll appear, slap you on the face the world away and

Enjoy the show flow

And now on to the prime offender. The reason Weezer hasn't played "Dope Nose" for years and probably won't anytime soon. If the band was attempting to make some larger social statement with these lyrics, we could have a discussion about including a slur. Green Day's "American Idiot" comes to mind. But "Dope Nose" is no "American Idiot." Hell, it's not even "All by Myself." By design, "Dope Nose" makes no point whatsoever. The slur is flippant and unnecessary. This verse makes so little sense, that there's nothing to renovate; we have to demolish and rebuild.

Cheese Trees smells so good
On a burnt piece of lamb Burnin' sweet, in my hand (Piece of what?)
*** Drag (pssh--ahhh) of the year

Who could beat To defeat up your man life's demands

And that's it. "Dope Nose" is a mess, y'all. It's a one-tool player; a big-cussing, unlikable SOB that somehow made the Big Leagues. One could argue that a lot of prospects need time to develop. Remember, all-time strikeouts king Nolan Ryan just *barely* pitched out of his first inning. I doubt any amount of seasoning would make “Dope Nose" an All-Star, though. Even scrubbed clean, the song is thoroughly "meh." But by removing slurs and tightening the narrative, we can at least nudge “Dope Nose” into positive WAR.²

Dope Nose

Lyrics by Rivers Cuomo
Edits by Keith Good

Oh
Whoa-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh

 

Debts on my head

Blazing dimes, on my own

Please, rescue me

Take me to the unknown. (Oh, take me home)

 

For the nights when you wanna go and

Make time spin slow

I'll appear, slap the world away and

Enjoy the flow

Trees smell so good

Burnin' sweet in my hand (Piece of what?)

Drag (pssh--ahhh) of the year

to defeat life's demands

For the nights when you wanna go and

Make time spin slow

I'll appear, slap the world away and

Enjoy the flow

Oh - this dope nose!

---

1 Yes, I know there's a much better link to put on this text, that Queens of the Stone Age actually has a song called, "Better Living Through Chemistry," but don't the lyrics to "Feel Good Hit of the Summer" just *fit*?^↩
2 This parade of baseball references brought to you by Joe Posnanski's phenomenal book, The Baseball 100. A ranking of the 100 best baseball players of all time, I just finished reading it and already I can't wait to read it again.^↩

Introducing reWeez - Editing Weezer's Worst Lyrics

Rivers Cuomo & Co. have made a career cranking out crunchy, catchy guitar pop. "Buddy Holly." "Island in the Sun." "Say it Ain't So." Hell, even "Beverly Hills." The band knows how to write hummable, head-boppable, toe-tapping tunes.

What Weezer are *not* known for, however, are their deep, poetic lyrics. Bob Dylan they ain't. Consider the opening stanza from The Red Album's "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn)": 

You try to play cool

Like you just don't care

But soon I'll be playin' in your

Underwear

I'm like the mage

With the magic spell

You come like a dog

When I ring yo' bell

Eesh. These lyrics are as close to the written equivalent of the cringe emoji that the English language can produce. 😬¹

It's feels like Rivers (Weezer's frontman and main songwriter) scribbles scratch lyrics while noodling around on the piano or guitar and then just forgets to change them. ("Oh shoot! We still have that dumbass bit about mages in the song? Aww, shucks. The Red Album is already in the can; too late to change it now.") Writers² call this aversion to revision "first thought, best thought." Despite honing their toplines, despite perfecting their melodies and using take after take to hit just the *right* guitar solo, it sounds like Weezer just sticks with whatever gobbledygook lyric comes out of Rivers' brain first. 

It was only by revision that "scrambled eggs / oh my baby how I love your legs" became "Yesterday / all my troubles seemed so far away."

Weezer isn't the Beatles. Some lyrics, even in the hands of McCartney or George Saunders or Jane Austen, will never reach 'Yesterday.' But certainly, we can save Rivers from mages and underpants, right?

Right?

We can try. Our first effort (and probably last, knowing how these things pan out), coming Monday, will aim to remove some suspicious product placement from one of Weezer's more recent tunes. 

---

1 And yet I STILL like this song. Goes to prove the maxim that no one really cares about the lyrics. At least in this case, Blues Traveler's "Hook" was right. ^↩
2 Especially Jack Kerouac wannabes and writers who detest the soul-crushing process of editing ^↩

How Firm thy Friendship!

Building A Sticky Brand

Imagine walking into a club, down foot-bowed steps to a little cellar, long bar stretching down the left wall. Music pulses up from below: jangly, fast, instantly recognizable but somehow new. At the bottom step the sound gels into a bouncing cover of Madonna's Like a Virgin. You turn to see a 4-piece band injecting life into the pop classic. Above them hangs a pink, navy and white banner emblazoned with sticky hands. The Sticky Bandits. Hm. The whole scene just screams "fun."

Everlong

My arrangement of the Foo Fighters' Everlong for a single acoustic guitar.

867-5309; Call Me, Maybe?

For any intrepid guitarists, the tab/lyrics after the jump

Hamptons Burning

Did Someone Say "DuckTales?"

No One Knows

Cover Madness (pt. 2)!

Here's an exercise in opposites; my covers of Prince and Lynyrd Skynyrd:

Cover Madness!

99 (Yule) Problems

99 yule problems by keith_is_good
(With apologies to Jay-Z)

If you're havin yule problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 Problems but your gift ain't one.

I'm on gift wrap patrol, festive bags and rolls
Folks wanna make sure these packs is closed
Wife's chirpin' "there's too much tape on Joe's"
I got it done hun, so what kind of facts are those?
If you be tying bows til the Rapture goes
You'd be medicating with some marshmallows
I'm like, look honey, lets go find some misletoe
Suggle on the sofa with some hot cocoas.
Turn on the radio or some chrismas shows
Mall shopping trip? We ain't doin it! It's all--
Brat packs buttering up that fat man
So Santa Claus'll pull a good stash from his bag - CHUCKLES
I don't know what you take me as
or understand the jolliness that KG has
I'm all 'deck the halls,' cause it's Christmas, hun,
I got 99 problems but your gift ain't one
Christmas!

[Refrain]

The year was 94 and my stocking's full
Peal when I see that Santa brought a haul
got two choices y'all, I can call for Ma OR
Bounce to the presents throw that paper to the floor
Cause I ain't bout to sit til the family wakes at 8
Plus I 'm on the nice list, I can hardly wait!
So I, run over to the boxes and bows, I hear
"Son why are you unwrapping those?"
"Cause I'm young and I asked for a Nintendo
It's technically Christmas, dad, let me go!
Should I go back to bed or rip some more?"
"You realize, son,  it's 5:54!
It's night an mom's sleeping, outside it's still dark
Sugarplum visions and the nativity star!"
"I already opened this gift! It's too late to quit"
"If your mom sees that, she's gonna throw a fit."
"I'll pull it out the box, hook it up real fast
We'll play a few rounds, then we'll put it back!"
"Ha! Aren't you sharp as a tack;
You got this all planned, son? Like Santa's elf or somethin?"
"Ain't from the north pole but I know a lil' bit
Open something early you gotta re-wrap it!"
"I see how smart you are, you unwrap this one."
Got 99 Problems but my gift ain't one.
Christmas!

[Refrain] x2

Once upon a time not too long ago
Reindeer named Rudolph had a shiny nose
Now this ain't a nose in the sense of havin a sniffer
But a sniffer glowing lightbulb red -- What a Shimmer!
Peers deplored him, tried to ignored him
In Reindeer games they wouldn't let him perform
But then one night, fog obscuring sight
Santa was in need of a Sliegh Light
Christmas may not happen
But fat man started clappin
"Rudy lead my Sliegh and be my Reindeer Captain!"
Nose blazin bright you can save Christmas
Deliver all these presents to the nice list kids
Now the Reindeer love him, watch Rudolph run,
He got 99 problems delivering gifts ain't one
Christmas!

[Refrain] x3

You crazy for this, Saint Nick!
Ho! Ho! Ho!

More Tabs!

Since I liked the first Tab post I did (see below), here's round two--a song I wrote as an undergrad called Cherche La Femme. Is it a bit syrupy? Sure. Are the lyrics hyperbolic and cliche? You Betcha! Can't stop me from liking this song, though.

Verse 1 (Fingerstyle):

E            C#m7            A        Bm   A     Bm A E             C#m7 Bm A Bm A

Sleep the weekend away for lack of anything better to do

E               C#m7      A         Bm     A    Bm         A  E     C#m7 Bm A Bm A

The cloudy weekend dreams dance with thoughts of you

E              C#m7              A       Bm        A      Bm     A   E           C#m7 A    Bm A Bm A

When you can’t sleep the world becomes your dream  the edges to life     blur and sway

E         C#m7        A     Bm A Bm A                   E            C#m7   A  B  

Put my head to my pillow                               and hope they all       go away

Refrain:

Bm7           E            C#m7                  A

Cherche la Femme - always slipps right through my fingers

Bm7                   E         C#m7                   A

Who what where when - rejection fades but pain still lingers

Bm7     E              C#m7    A

Why oh why cant I get her out of my dreams

Bm7          E                  A        D   A

Oh well I’ll live with it it seems

Verse 2 (Strummed):

Drink the weekend away Lonely chaser to a love not there

Light bends through a citron sky Flashing your face everywhere

This is the story of a love ending Three ounces at a time

Just give me two more bottles,  And I swear I’ll be just fine.

Instrumental

Refrain

Blast from the past!

I started playing guitar in the Summer of 1994. I believe I wrote this song (my first) in October of that year. I'm quite surprised to find that 12-year-old me was a better songwriter than half the grunge bands of the era (I'm looking at you, Gin Blossoms).

LEVIATHAN

MUSIC & LYRICS BY KEITH GOOD

MAIN RIFF: x4 REFRAIN: x2

e|---------------------| e|-----------------------------|

B|---------------------| B|-----------------------------|

G|---------------------| G|-----------------------------|

D|------3-3--------1-1-| D|444-777-666-555-444-777-666-8|

A|-1-1-4-4----4-4-2-2--| A|444-777-666-555-444-777-666-8|

E|2-2--------5-5-------| E|222-555-444-333-222-555-444-6|

verse 1

[F#] Sitting quiet [C#] ly in my room [A] Passing hours [B] playing guitar

[F#] Writing lrics [C#] soon forgotten [A] as the hours pro [B] gress

[F#] Boredom over [C#] takes me slowly [A] nothing to do [B] have no money

[F#] Cable went out [C#] car is busted [A] radio just [B] sucks

refrain

[F#] Saturday [A] boredom like [G#] old Levi [G] athan

Its [F#] suffo [A] cating my [G#] will to sur [B] vive

Will [F#] someone re [A] move it I [G#] can not [G] move it

Put [F#] hook in its [A] mouth or run [G#] line round its [B] tounge

verse 2

Phone has remained dead for hours, no one ever cares to call me

Trapped inside this hellish prison wiht nowhere to go

Lock the door and toss the key I’m trapped here for eternity

Destined to become a meal for the leviathan

refrain

Saturday Boredom like old Leviathan

My guitar remains my true companion

Angel don’t leave me, I just want you to be

The one who will help me survive Saturday

I Do, I Do

A performance of my original composition entitled, "I Do, I Do," wherein those expecting Colbie Callait's 'I do' or Byran Adams' '(Everything I do) I Do It for You' are sorely disappointed (which, liking cruddy music, is an emotion they are well acquainted with).

Que Milagro!

A performance of my composition entitled. "Que Milagro!", wherein I realize I need a haircut (mostly due to a passing resemblance to...shudder...John Mayer).

Writing a Musical in April

As part of the April Script Frenzy program, I've decided to adapt one of my fledgling novel manuscripts into a musical. Think of it as 'The Stand' meets 'Glee.' The goal is 100 pages of script by the end of the month--I've reached 23 (which is just behind pace). In the spirit of the frenzy, below is an excerpt from 'The Brief Immortals,' a song called 'Fountain of Youth.' Enjoy!

(ALIBI returns to the partition door and leans downstage.)

ALIBI
Sheila! If you will, love, es tiempo.

ISAAC
Listen, I used to be a lawyer…

ALIBI
I am well aware, Mr. Greystone.

ISAAC
This is a pretty heavy no-fault waiver-

(ALIBI taps impatience waiting for Sheila.)

ALIBI
Omelets and eggs, Mr. Greystone.

(ANDI reads the packet. Alarmed, she steps to the doorway.)

ANDI
What the hell is this? ‘I the below signed, hold Infinite Chemical Enterprises, its employees and subsidiaries as well as Doctor Iago Alibi, his employees and associates free and clear of any liability…’ What the hell?

ISAAC
I agree.

ANDI
Are we guinea pigs?

ALIBI
The other human trial has shown no ill effect—Sheila! Now!-Our scientists have identified the molecular mechanisms which control the marching of our internal clocks. We’ve engineered a substance which winds down that march—a simple toxin—

ISAAC AND ANDI
Toxin?!

(Sheila finally appears in Room A, gum smacking.)

ALIBI
Sheila, if you’ll attend to Mr. Greystone, I’ll handle Ms. Hartwell.

(Sheila nods and walks to the desk to retrieve vial and syringe.)

ALIBI
Yes. A toxin.

(SONG: FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH)

ALIBI
The air which you breathe
Is rife with disease:
Methane, carcinogens galore.
Alcohol, cigarettes,
Black coffee, chocolate,
The trolleys you push at the store.
Everything’s poison to a certain degree,
Lethal in specific dose.
So why try to fight it?
Let’s harness and ride it
Immortal on death’s pale horse.

ISAAC
(spoken)
I don’t know…

ALIBI
I present to you,
The Fountain of Youth!
Nectar o’ the Philosopher’s Stone.
A topical injection
Of glowing complexion—
Serum to make the old young.

ANDI
(spoken)
But a waiver?

ALIBI
Like Botox who shares
A few—genetic pairs?—
Heir to a virulent strain.
So our two-oh-five’s
Big sibling is time,
Suffering, aging and pain.

And with it rides
Some effects on the side.
Trifles! Mere annoyances, most.
But for verity’s sake
(If you will) I’ll now take
A breath to prattle the host.

There… may… be

Topical pain, swelling, staining,
Itching and redness with tingles.
There’s numbness and blindness,
Dementia, arthritis,
And just a slight chance of the shingles.
Cramping and nausea, vomits, glaucoma,
Both near and far sightedness.
Osteoperosis, thoracic thrombosis,
Epilepsy and light-headedness.
Bleeding, seepage
(Both anal and oral)
Erectile dysfunction and gout.
Fibromyalgia, limerance, nostalgia,
Bruising both inside and out.
Diminished grey matter, the green apple splatters,
Testosterone deficiency, Chrons,
Megalomania, clap, nymphomania,
Gallbladder and kidney stones.

And finally, we shant omit the big three:
Stroke.
Cancer.
Heart disease.

ISAAC
(Spoken)
Anal seepage?

ANDI
(Spoken)
Cancer?!

(ALIBI throws his hands.)

ALIBI
But… don’t you see?
The fountain of youth!
History and Myth manifest!
‘Hartwell’ on an Oscar,
‘Greystone’ oval office,
The stars are within you grasp.

(ALIBI again takes the wavers and thrust them to ANDI and ISAAC.)

ALIBI
Side effects are ephemeral
But fame’s flame burns forever
Immortality I offer to you!
Flourish and sign
Your X on the line!
And gain…
The Fountain of Youth!

(Song ends with a flourish. Beat. Faces pinched, ISAAC and ANDI sign the wavers. ALIBI swipes them and holds them to his bosom with a squeal.)

ALIBI
You’ll not regret this, I promise! Exciting days head, indeed. Sheila, if you will, love?

(SHEILA forces ISAAC into his seat as ALIBI settles ANDI in hers. They take the needles and serum, and in synchronization, fill and flick away any air bubbles. The lights dim as ALIBI and SHEILA advance on their patients.

ISAAC
…Is she—

ALIBI
(Shouts)
Perfectly qualified, I assure you!

(The needles draw closer. ANDI and ISAAC tense. ALIBI caresses ANDI’S cheek.)

ANDI
Creep.

ALIBI
(Whisper)
Let’s not, love.

(Fade to black as needles pierce skin.)

Keith is Good! Video Presents...

(It's like MTV without Teen Moms or juiced-out guidos)

I present my Acoustic Composition: "Little Bee," which I originally wrote in 2006 and have just this week finished. And sadly enough, this was the best of the three thumbnail options YouTube provided--yikes.

Spacehog finds new success as a Spacehog cover band

Spacehog is gaining acclaim as
the best Spacehog-esqe band
since Spacehog.

Keith is Good! Muisc News

2o August 2009
Des Moines IA

Glam-rockers Spacehog, hailed as one-hit-wonders for their 1996 single "In the Meantime," have recaptured some of their 90's success touring as a Spacehog cover band. Royston Langdon, lauded for his on-stage performances as Royston Langdon, Spacehog's bassist and lead vocalist, explained the situation after Spacehog's recent show at the Des Moines Fairground.

"After [Spacehog's 2001 Album] 'The Hogyssey' flopped, we figured it was done, you know?" Royston's north-central British accent warbled as he took a sip of green tea. "We went our separate ways. When [Langdon's erstwhile wife] Liv [Tyler] moved out to LA, I started gigging in coffee shops just for something to do. On a lark one night, I started playing 'In the Meantime.' Everyone went nuts. A guy in the crowd requested 'Space is the Place,' so I spent the whole night doing Spacehog covers."

Acclaim for this pitch-perfect Spacehog cover act spread like wildfire. Soon Royston recruited Johnny Cragg to play Spacehog's drummer Johnny Cragg, Richard Steel to take up the guitar of Richard Steel, and finally convinced his brother Antony Langdon to play the part of Royston's brother and guitarist Antony Langdon. They played their first show January 13th in Berkely CA, opening for Weezer cover band, "Rivers Cuomo's Surgically Enhanced Left Leg." Longtime Hogger and Spacehog aficionado Brian Jones was at the show.

"It was absolutley amazing," Brian beamed, chest puffing under his 1996 Spacehog Resident Alien World Tour T-Shirt. "Mind you, they weren't quite as good as the real Spacehog, and they looked a bit too old, but still...Spacehog is the best Spacehog cover band I've ever seen."

Jones' sentiment has echoed across the country from countless fairgrounds, Bar Mitzvahs, frat house basements and public libraries. After their engagement in Des Moines, Spacehog takes their cover act to Independence MI, Tulsa OK and beyond. Now flush with bookings in low-rent theatres and community spaces around the country, what does Spacehog aim to achieve?

"Well," Royston confides with a grin, "We hear Spacehog is planning a renuion tour... it would be bloody brilliant if Spacehog could open for them."

Best Rock Album 1-2 Punches

The only thing better than one brain-melting rock and roll song is two brain-melting rock and roll songs. It's like this: Little Mac can't drop Tyson just by pressing up+A...he needs that jab/star punch combo to knock Iron Mike clean off his ass. In that vein we take a look at these musical star-punches handed down directly from the hands of the rock gods. Girded as we may against their brain-melting might, none are immune to these rock-induced KO's.

1. Black Dog
2. Rock And Roll
Led Zeppelin IV, Led Zeppelin


It starts with "Hey hey mama / said the way you move" and ends with Bonzo beating the hell out of that thundering kit. Zeppelin IV set Page & Co. apart from contemporaries like Black Sabbath; its opening 'Black Dog' / 'Rock and Roll' combo knocked listeners off their asses. These are two of the most balls-out rocking songs in all of awesomedom -- having them back to back to start a record requires its own verbiage: "Zepplinesque."

5. Supernaut
6. Snowblind
Black Sabbath Vol. 4, Black Sabbath


I'd put this at #1 if #1 wasn't Zeppelin. Although this dynamic duo from hell gets overshadowed by Paranoid and Iron Man, Supernaut and Snowblind mark the exact spot in Black Sabbath Vol.4 where your mindhole gets blown. Perhaps its the frenetic energy of Supernaut's badass riff juxtaposed with Snowblind's laconic rhythms. Perhaps its a simple matter of both tunes being completely sweet.


6. Back in Black
7. You Shook Me All Night Long
Back in Black, AC/DC


Not much explanation needed for this pair. The former's hi-hat is iconic, the latter's lyrics have gotten millions laid. The question facing AD/DC was how would they ever replace someone as dynamic as Bon Scott? Eggheads lamented how the boys from down under would never be the same, but by tracks 6 and 7 of Back in Black, they were all eating s**tburgers.

1. Bombtrack
2. Killing in the Name
Rage Against the Machine (Eponymous 1992)


By the time Killing in the Name reached its crescendo of clusterfire f-bombs, you weren't sure at whom or why exactly, but you were PISSED. "F*** yeah! I'm not gonna do what they tell me! [throws rock through window]" Of course, Rage sired Metal's bastard children, rap- and nü-, but this opening salvo is good enough that we'll forgive them the bastard Limp Bizkits and Crazy Towns they spawned.


2. Know
3. Sugar
System of a Down (Eponymous 1999)


Holy s**t! Its a good thing I've already procreated because my balls were just rocked off. Who are these dudes, and what is in the Armenian water that makes them rock so hard? This is another RATM-like case of a surprise kick in the junk. Know and Sugar are SYOAD at their best: knocking skulls without effing around.


1. You think I Ain't Worth a Dollar But I Feel Like a Millionaire
2. No One Knows
Songs for the Deaf, Queens of the Stone Age


Queens of the Stone Age rock so hard I puked. Well...actually the vomit was mostly Jagermesiter. I first heard this duo through the haze of a six-alarm hangover - fetally crumpled in the back of a Jeep Cherokee. Between dry heaves I thought, "Man, this f***ing rocks! [barf] You need to buy this record [barf]."