99 (Yule) Problems

99 yule problems by keith_is_good
(With apologies to Jay-Z)

If you're havin yule problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 Problems but your gift ain't one.

I'm on gift wrap patrol, festive bags and rolls
Folks wanna make sure these packs is closed
Wife's chirpin' "there's too much tape on Joe's"
I got it done hun, so what kind of facts are those?
If you be tying bows til the Rapture goes
You'd be medicating with some marshmallows
I'm like, look honey, lets go find some misletoe
Suggle on the sofa with some hot cocoas.
Turn on the radio or some chrismas shows
Mall shopping trip? We ain't doin it! It's all--
Brat packs buttering up that fat man
So Santa Claus'll pull a good stash from his bag - CHUCKLES
I don't know what you take me as
or understand the jolliness that KG has
I'm all 'deck the halls,' cause it's Christmas, hun,
I got 99 problems but your gift ain't one
Christmas!

[Refrain]

The year was 94 and my stocking's full
Peal when I see that Santa brought a haul
got two choices y'all, I can call for Ma OR
Bounce to the presents throw that paper to the floor
Cause I ain't bout to sit til the family wakes at 8
Plus I 'm on the nice list, I can hardly wait!
So I, run over to the boxes and bows, I hear
"Son why are you unwrapping those?"
"Cause I'm young and I asked for a Nintendo
It's technically Christmas, dad, let me go!
Should I go back to bed or rip some more?"
"You realize, son,  it's 5:54!
It's night an mom's sleeping, outside it's still dark
Sugarplum visions and the nativity star!"
"I already opened this gift! It's too late to quit"
"If your mom sees that, she's gonna throw a fit."
"I'll pull it out the box, hook it up real fast
We'll play a few rounds, then we'll put it back!"
"Ha! Aren't you sharp as a tack;
You got this all planned, son? Like Santa's elf or somethin?"
"Ain't from the north pole but I know a lil' bit
Open something early you gotta re-wrap it!"
"I see how smart you are, you unwrap this one."
Got 99 Problems but my gift ain't one.
Christmas!

[Refrain] x2

Once upon a time not too long ago
Reindeer named Rudolph had a shiny nose
Now this ain't a nose in the sense of havin a sniffer
But a sniffer glowing lightbulb red -- What a Shimmer!
Peers deplored him, tried to ignored him
In Reindeer games they wouldn't let him perform
But then one night, fog obscuring sight
Santa was in need of a Sliegh Light
Christmas may not happen
But fat man started clappin
"Rudy lead my Sliegh and be my Reindeer Captain!"
Nose blazin bright you can save Christmas
Deliver all these presents to the nice list kids
Now the Reindeer love him, watch Rudolph run,
He got 99 problems delivering gifts ain't one
Christmas!

[Refrain] x3

You crazy for this, Saint Nick!
Ho! Ho! Ho!