Tecmo Browns - Week 8

DOMINATING DEFENSE LEADS BROWNS TO VICTORY
PHILLIP RIVERS SEEN CRYING SOFTLY ON SIDELINES.

28 Oct 2012
Cleveland, OH

Coming into their Week 8, the Cleveland Browns had yet to play a complete game. Against San Diego, Cleveland finally shook off the ghosts of inconsistency which seem to have haunted the young team. The offense, led by a strong rushing performance from Trent Richardson, marched 89 yards down field on their opening drive. Despite being unable to get into the end zone, Cleveland took the lead with a Phil Dawson field goal. The defense responded by holding San Diego to a punt, sacking Phillip Rivers twice on the Chargers' opening drive.

Picking the World Series (Uniform) Winner

I've already proven myself a poor prognosticator concerning on-the-field issues, so in lieu of a sure-fire prediction (which is almost guaranteed to go horribly wrong*) let's focus on what's really important, here: the uniforms.

DETROIT TIGERS:

I loathe the Tigers for winning the AL Central. I loathe that my earliest baseball memory is pissing in the troughs at old Tiger Stadium next to dudes five times my age. I loathe them for discovering the switch to turn Jhonny "Don't Call Me Johnny" Peralta from zero to hero (NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: apparently that switch involved heavy use of illicit drugs).

Tecmo Browns - Week 7

BROWNS AND COLTS PLAY CHICKEN FOR 1ST DRAFT PICK
INDIANAPOLIS FAILS; ACCIDENTALLY WINS GAME.

21 Oct 2012
Indianapolis, IN

It seemed, with Cleveland and Indianapolis entering their Week 7 match-up a combined 8 losses, the real contest lay in who could lose and improve their chances in April's NFL Draft. In a bit of good news and bad news all rolled up into one, Cleveland's offensive ineptitude secured them another loss, increasing their standing for the 2013 NFL Draft.

Tecmo Browns - Week 6

BROWNS HIT BOTTOM AGAINST CINCINNATI
9 TOTAL YARDS IN FIRST HALF DOOM CLEVELAND TO 0-6

14 Oct 2012
Cleveland, OH

The Cleveland Browns started hotter than hot. And perhaps showing signs of a city reeling from the Reds crushing playoff loss, Cincinnati started colder than cold. Coming off his four-game suspension, Joe Haden intercepted Andy Dalton's first pass, setting up a Phil Dawson field goal. D'Qwell Jackson and the defense dominated Cincinnati--keeping Dalton and Co. in negative yardage for the first quarter. The Browns, though, will be the Browns; poised to take their largest lead of the season, Mohammed Massaquoi fumbled on Cincinnati's 13, killing any momentum.

Tecmo Browns - Week 5

STUMBLING GIANTS SQUEAK PAST BROWNS
LATE TURNOVERS SEAL VICTORY

7 Oct 2012
East Rutherford, NJ

The New York Giants got no measure of relief following their Sunday night defeat at the hands of Philadelphia. Perhaps looking past the 0-4 Browns to a tough week 6 matchup at San Francisco, the Giants needed all 4 quarters to put Cleveland away. Despite a strong defensive showing early, forcing two fumbles and sacking Cleveland QB Brandon Weeden 4 times in the first quarter alone, the Giants needed a Greg Little touchdown drop to maintain their 10-3 lead going into halftime.

Sure-Fire MLB Playoff Predictions (Which Will, Without Doubt, Turn Out to Be Comically Wrong)

Ahh, smell that? No, not that (I had black-bean chili last night. Be cool, man.) ...I'm talking baseball. Fall. The boys of October, where legends are made. We're talking Reggie Jackson, Kirk Gibson's fist pump and Boston's "Idiots" digging out of a 3-1 hole. With the first round of games starting Friday night, let's dive in and see who rises above the normal to claim October infamy this year.

NL Wild Card Round (A.K.A "Bullshit marketing gimmick du jour pt.1")
 ^AT 
Finding home in an NL Central market, I've seen enough of the Cardinals to know I don't like them. They've gotten warm the past few weeks but I'll take Braves for the win.

AL Wild Card Round (A.K.A "Bullshit marketing gimmick du jour pt.2")
^AT 
Texas hasn't looked great as of late, and Baltimore seems to have something magical going. I know in one game, it's basically a crapshoot, so I'll choose the logo I like better and say Batlimore wins!

Why the Browns Will Finish 12-4

So the Brownies went 0-for-September. I don't want to say I called it, but... Though such a pitiful start is not  what any sane person‡ would call encouraging news, there's precedent for a strong finish (and a playoff appearance) following an 0-4 start.So in that vein of Dumb and Dumber optimism, here's the week-by-week breakdown of WHY THE BROWNS WILL FINISH 12-4:

Week 5 at New York Giants
The Giants are not a regular season team. They'll squeak into the playoffs and proceed to then destroy everyone like Godzilla blasts Tokyo. So why not lose to the Browns? Also the Transitive Property of NFL Mathematics dictates, since a) the Eagles beat the Giants by 2; b) the Eagles beat Browns by 1; therefore c) the Browns will beat the Giants by 1.

Week 6 vs. Cincinnati
That f*#$ing punt return...grumble, grumble... Should have beat them in week 2; will beat them in week 6 at home.Plus, Haden returns in beast mode--someone's getting decapitated.

Week 7 at Indianapolis
A young team with a rookie QB and an under-performing offensive line? What a joke!


Week 8 vs. San Diego
Coming off their bye week, San Diego will be over-rested and over-confident. And Phillip Rivers is such a crybaby, I can't imagine him ever winning another game of anything ever.