Thursday, October 4, 2012

Sure-Fire MLB Playoff Predictions (Which Will, Without Doubt, Turn Out to Be Comically Wrong)

Ahh, smell that? No, not that (I had black-bean chili last night. Be cool, man.) ...I'm talking baseball. Fall. The boys of October, where legends are made. We're talking Reggie Jackson, Kirk Gibson's fist pump and Boston's "Idiots" digging out of a 3-1 hole. With the first round of games starting Friday night, let's dive in and see who rises above the normal to claim October infamy this year.

NL Wild Card Round (A.K.A "Bullshit marketing gimmick du jour pt.1")
Finding home in an NL Central market, I've seen enough of the Cardinals to know I don't like them. They've gotten warm the past few weeks but I'll take Braves for the win.

AL Wild Card Round (A.K.A "Bullshit marketing gimmick du jour pt.2")
Texas hasn't looked great as of late, and Baltimore seems to have something magical going. I know in one game, it's basically a crapshoot, so I'll choose the logo I like better and say Batlimore wins!

NL Divisional Playoff #1
Having divisional foes meet in the playoff gives us some history to prognosticate with. Washington leads the season series 10-8, so I'll stick with the numbers, not to mention what's going to be an insane home crowd in D.C. and say Washington in 5.

AL Divisional Playoff #1
It can't be under-stated how much I loathe the Yankees. I hate the Yankees on par with political advertising and plastic blister-wrap. However, with Baltimore playing on short rest, I crack open that pint of Ben and Jerry's reserved for moments of self-loathing and say (trying to hold back the vomit) Yankees in 4.

NL Divisional Playoff #2
Not much to prognosticate here. Although they haven't played head-to-head since before the All Star Break, Cincy leads the season series and only lost close games to San Fransisco. I can't bet against Votto and Co. here. Cincinnati in 4.

AL Divisional Playoff #2
You may as well throw out any predictions here; most everyone had the A's finishing below .500. Detroit struggled to win a division they should have dominated. Having seen the Tigers struggles this year, and given that Oakland is more adorable than a sleepy koala, I'll say the A's win in a sweep. (also, eff you, Detroit.)

NL Championship Series
Hot damn, if this isn't a sexy matchup. Young teams, built the right way, playing baseball like it should be f*$#ing be played. Whew...I need a smoke just thinking about it. I think this is where Washington, dropping their playoff V-Card, shows their inexperience. Cincinnati's seen recent playoff action, and especially sans-Strasburg, I see Cincinnati winning in 6.

AL Championship Series
I'm gonna be level with you here...this one is pure wish fulfillment. Oakland clinches in 7. (also, eff you Yankees.)

Don't worry, you're not having a stroke; that whine you're hearing is the sound of Fox Network Executives weeping gently into their Cheerios. While the A's and the legacy of Moneyball make for a great storyline, two unheralded small-market teams in the World Series means tragic TV ratings; expect low viewership to be the story of the series.

Oakland and Cincy met once in Spring Training, where Bartolo Colon out-dueled Johnny Cueto. Not so likely now. I think the A's luck finally runs out here; Reds win the World Series in 6.

World Series MVP: Aroldis Chapman (4 Saves; 6.0 IP, 9 K, 1 BB, 0 ER)
Over/Under on Pete Rose TV Sightings: 7
Projected Number of Commercials for The X-Factor: 1,965,232.5

You're welcome, Cincinnati. I fully expect a VIP invite to the victory parade.

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