Battle Kid: Fortress of Peril is, simply put, the most difficult game ever produced for the Nintendo Entertainment System. For those unfamiliar with Battle Kid, let me cast some light by showing it's title screen:

Still unsure what sets Battle Kid apart from every other NES title? Let me channel my inner CSI: "Zoom and Enhance!"

That's right, Sivak Games developed Battle Kid and released it for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 2010, a full 15 years after the previous NES release.  The plot is intentionally thin to the point of non-existence: our protagonist (Timmy) must venture into the Fortress of Peril to disengage a 'supermech' machine and stop a group of shadowy ne'er-do-wells.

When Battle Kid declares itself a Fortress of Peril,  the game isn't effing around. Modeled after the PC Freeware Game I Wanna Be the Guy, Battle Kid is an S&M Fetish of a  game: designed to be intentionally painful and difficult. Gameplay most closely resembles Metroid--with a large open world to explore and very little prompting--except Timmy's suit of armor--as opposed to Samus'--is quite porous. Spikes kill Timmy. Aliens kill Timmy. Blobs kill Timmy. Plants kill Timmy. Fish kill Timmy. Even limes and lemons kill Timmy (yes, lemons). It's 1-hit death from start to finish. Here's a small taste of Battle Kid's Horror:

Before cataloging the myriad testicle-shrinking terrors that is the Battletoads, let's set the mood with a little music:

The above music, played every time Battletoads is paused, beyond being my favorite part of the game (literally) becomes quite important as the game advances.

Developed by Rare and released in 1991, Battletoads is the consensus #1 hardest game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. And for good reason; much like Bayou Billy or TMNT, Battletoads is a hybrid beat 'em up/action/racing game, the difference being that each segment of the game is both well designed and incredibly difficult.

uh, maybe we should...
hehe...let her win...

To say the plot is 'run-of-the-mill' would be derogatory to mill products like particleboard and plywood--evil Hootie McBoob kidnaps someone (I'm not sure who, I pressed start) and its up to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Battletoads to defeat her. Aiding the the Toads are in this quest is Splinter Professor T. Bird. The game is an  unabashed Mad-Lib of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, swapping 'toad' for 'turtle' on the line 'Semi-Aquatic Animal.'

On this, the penultimate step to my becoming:

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.™

I went in expecting the ultimate potency of NES's Silver Surfer to shrivel my gonads and instantly turn all my hair grey. Released by Arcadia Systems in 1990, Silver Surfer is lauded by many as the most difficult game ever produced for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Similar to Konami's Life Force, Silver Surfer is a space shooter, which alternates between overhead and side-scrolling levels.  Unlike Life Force, Silver Surfer is packed with near-unavoidable one-hit-deaths, baddies who eat bullets like candy and confusing background/foreground sprites.

I think the Angry Video Game Nerd said it best:
"Silver Surfer... silver shit."

The image currently floating
though my field of vision.

PREAMBLE:
The gameplay opens with a Mega Man-style Stage Select screen. I played every stage. I died many times. When asked to enter my initials for a high score, I rebelliously wrote 'A$$.' It got to the point where Morose Silver Surfer (your reward for dying) burned into my very retinas. For a being imbued with the Power Cosmic, there's a lot of shit that can kill the Silver Surfer. It would seem Arcadia Systems decided Hemophilia and Osteoporosis are side effects of the Power Cosmic, because EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH KILLS YOU. EVEN RUBBER DUCKIES.

Of the TEN HARDEST NES GAMES OF ALL TIME, Ninja Gaiden is the only I've owned since its release. Which means I've been ragequitting at Stage 5-4 (bloody Bloody Malth) for 22 years. Released by Tecmo (Ready! Down! Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut...) in 1989, Ninja Gaiden is a side-scrolling beat 'em up following young Ryu Hayabusa as he journeys to America to avenge his fallen Father. Through various cut scenes, this story expands to include the CIA, Possessed Statues, the Amazon and a Furry named Jaquio.

The Original Angry Birds.

None of the plot really matters, of course, because this game is EFFING HARD ("That's what she said"). How hard is Ninja Gaiden? The game's difficulty can be completely encapsulated with two simple words: Infinite Birds. You want to jump over to that ladder? Well this army of white falcons would rather you just jump into that bottomless pit. And guess what? The birds win every time.

Oh, and there's also the inconvenience of losing a Boss Battle, but we'll get to that later.

If the Nation of Glitchy Games were to revolt against their despot (E.T. for Atari), the rebels would name NES's Ghosts'n Goblins as Prime Minister. Ported from Capcom's arcade machine by Micronics (the same asshats company who shat Ikari Warriors) in 1986, Ghosts'n Goblins is famous for two things: awesome Engrish and terrible glitches. With it's brain-melting Japanese to English translation in mind, I loaded the cart and started Level Seven of my quest to become

NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM IN THE MOST EXTREME POWER!™

I can't tonight, honey--I'm going to
be abducted by a demon.

STAGE 1:

I'm not positive on plot specifics, but upon pressing start, it looks as if the protagonist is about to get a blowjay when a demon steals his lady-friend. And because most 1st-gen NES games are about dudes chasing poon, the knight suits up and starts slaughtering the undead to get his blowjay back.

Everyday I'm shufflin'

For nine glorious seconds, I actually thought, "this game isn't so damn hard." Jump a few gravestones, kill a few zombies--no big deal. Alas, on the tenth second, Ghosts'n Goblins introduces the most difficult enemy in the entire game: the Gargoyle. He swoops with a Falcon's accuracy, fires projectiles, and taunts you with his sweet dance steps. You could run away as he swoops and try to score a few hits, but the only sure fire way to kill the Gargoyle is to employ the Elbow Glitch. Discovered by cowardice accident, if you score a hit while the Gargoyle is still sitting, run away and wait a few seconds, the Gargoyle will disappear. Later levels practically require this cowardice strategy.

I'll start this chapter in my quest to become

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM™

 with this:

First clue this game sucks:
Four Raphaels on the cover.

Pretty much sums it. Developed by Konami (again?) and released in the US under their "Ultra Games" imprint in 1989, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is known for teaching 7-year-olds the art of controller whipping and swearing (courtesy of their older brothers' friends). Based on the television series of the same name, the game is a hybrid Beat 'Em Up / Adventure game, and like Bayou Billy before it, does neither particularly well.

Unlike the other titles of the Top Ten Hardest NES Games of All Time, I remember quite well playing TMNT... and hating it. Each Turtle has their signature weapon with pros and cons, but none have good hit detection. Also, once hit by a baddie, there is virtually no "recover time," meaning two baddies can bounce you like a volleyball until you (literally) shrivel and die. Fortunately, you can switch between Turtles at ANY TIME and Pizzas--health powerups--respawn once you exit a room and return. The key to survival, then, is to use Donatello (his Bo Staff has the most power and reach) never let a Turtle die, and once you find an easy slice of pizza, power everyone to full. EVERY TIME.

With apologies to Jon Bon Jovi: 

Whoooooaaaa! I'm  Halfway There! 

Whooooaa OOH! Best Nintendo Player! 

Bayou Billy won't be as bad as Ikari I swear! 

Whooooaa OOH! Best Nintendo Player! 

He Doesn't look like
Crocodile Dundee at all.

Ahem. Entry number 6 (Be Seeing You, Number 6) takes us down to the Bayou (or at least what a group of Japanese Computer Scientists think of as "the Bayou"). Released by Konami in 1989, The Adventures of Bayou Billy was advertised as an 8-bit gamer's dream: 1/3 Beat 'em Up, 1/3 Driving Game, 1/3 Light Gun Shooter. Unfortunately, Bayou Billy is a video game dilettante of sorts: advertising multiple genres without excelling in any. The Beat em' Ups are tedious, the Shooters simple and the Driving glitchy. Perhaps knowing this, the programmers try to give you a leg up from the start.

PRACTICE MODE:
The title screen gives you three options for gameplay: Game A (which utilizes the NES Zapper) Game B (which utilizes only the gamepad) and Practice. I'd wager most people skip practice and dove straight into Stage 1.

Don't.

Practice gives you infinite tries to master each mode, and even more, rewards you for beating the stages. Practicing Driving nets you an extra life, practicing Shooting nets you more bullets and practicing Beat 'em Up wins you a Meatball (a 1-time health refill).

Before any snarkiness, before any banners about becoming master of Nintendo, before any screenshots or gameplay .gifs, one thing needs to be made clear:

IKARI WARRIORS FOR THE NES IS, WITHOUT PEER, THE WORST GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED.

So much so, I've produced a PSA to educate the youth of America on the dangers of Ikari Warriors:

I programmed better games on my TI-82 during Mr. Reineck's Calculus class ('Quest for the Golden Sipa Sipa' was awesome). There's exactly ONE COOL THING about Ikari Warriors, and it doesn't happen until 3/4 through the game. I could have cleaned the bathroom grout with my tongue. I could have eaten Cat Litter. I could have done literally anything other than play Ikari Warrios and it would have been a more satisfying experience. As much as I want to veer from The Angry Video Game Nerd's territory, any discussion of Ikari Warrior requires the following preamble:

StiNKs.

Shit! Ass burger with cheese! Feck! Balls! Grundle suckers!

Okay. Got it out of my system. 

Ikari Warriors, made for the arcade by SNK and ported to NES by Micronics in 1986, is very much like the musical, 'Mama Mia!' They both require ABBA.  When Micronics ported Ikari from the Arcade version, they included a 'virtual quarter' of sorts. After you die, simply press A, B, B, A, to get an extra set of lives.

With infinite lives, I can see how Ikari would be fun if you're a) playing with a buddy, b) stoned, c) under 8 years old, or d) all of the above. Plop down on the sofa, crack a few beers and shout obscenities as you and a buddy blast drones to pixelated hell? That could be fun. But playing solo, careful to avoid every damn bullet and kamikaze solder? NOT FUN AT ALL. The rules on becoming

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM™

clearly state "NO CHEATS," so ABBA and its dancing queen infinite lives falls were nix. I think I'll need those beers after all.

[DISCLAIMER]: I HEREBY PROMISE TO TRY MY VERY BEST TO AVOID A PLETHORA OF DEVO "WHIP IT" JOKES. NO GUARANTEES, THOUGH.

My introduction to Simon Belmont came via the (notoriously bad) Saturday morning cartoon, "Captain N the Game Master." As you can see below, this provides quite a confusing image.
It was my assumption, then, that the Castlevania video games centered on a man's quest to become the ultimate metrosexual. That misunderstanding was eventually shattered when I played Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (which I nostalgically hold to be the best of the series), but somehow I never got around to playing its progenitor.

Developed by Konami and released on NES in 1987, Castlevania is a dark, surprisingly atmospheric game, following Simon Belmont as he journeys through Castle Dracula to defeat the Vampire Lord and break the curse on his family. The gameplay here is nothing unexpected: it's a classic 8-bit side-scroller in the mold of Super Mario. What sets Castlevania apart are the gloomy palettes, the macabre imagery and the wonderfully downbeat soundtrack. Like Mega Man and Contra before it, I was rather excited to best this game on my quest to become

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.™

Like most of the games on this list, I'd never really played the original Contra prior to my quest to become

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.™

Alternate tite:
Terminator vs. Rambo

My only real knowledge of Contra was that, upon its release in 1988, it made famous The Konami Code. Pressing: ↑, ↑, ↓, ↓, ←, →, ←, →, B, A, Start at the title screen earns players a reserve of 30 extra lives. Being that the only real rule in my quest for NES Supremacy was NO CHEATING, playing Contra without its (sometimes) eponymous code was like going to a steakhouse and ordering a salad and Horchata.

So, resisting the urge to pump 'roids into my digital Arnold, I just pressed start and...

STAGE 1:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE.

I feel it necessary to recuse myself on two counts before beginning this first chapter on my quest to become

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.™

lol. U jelly, bro?

First--my name is Keith G. and I am a  Mega Man-iac. I started with just a few Robot Masters, I tried Wood Man in 1989 and haven't stopped since. You can see my collection (proudly displayed) at right.

Second--for my years of Mega-Love, not once have I played through the original Mega Man. Released by Capcom in 1987, Mega Man 1 was like reading the Illiad and the Odyssey--I'd start with the best of intentions, but break off my pursuit one Robot Master in. Without passwords, each time I restarted my Mega education, I'd start at square one, get one Robot Master in... et cetera.

One Ring to Rule them All

So it was with a certain glee that I loaded my beloved cart and circled the Original Ring of Six. Knowing how the Mega Man titles work, I knew each Robot was critically weak to the weapon of another and that choosing the correct level first can make or break a Mega Man session. I COULD have simply Googled the Robot weaknesses, but that borders to close to cheating, so instead (perhaps still buzzed on a Top Gun high) I chose Ice Man [chomp].

In retrospect, I realize this ranks among the worst ideas in the history of mankind, on par with Greedo Shoots First and Credit-Default Swapping.

The second step in my quest to become the

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM™

takes me north on the hiiiighwaaaay toooo the..... DANGER ZONE! [da da dah!].

Crap.

Like it's predecessor in this list of ulitmate NES challenges, Karate Kid, Top Gun is hailed as equal parts difficult and crappy. Developed by Konami and released in 1987, Top Gun (like Karate Kid) is adapted from the film of the same name. It's got all your favorite characters, as long as your favorite characters aren't Maverick, Goose, Iceman, Magician, Jester, that hot chick, the one grumpy guy or the brooding commanding officer. Basically there's a plane that kind of resembles a plane from Top Gun (but not really).

I was never a huge fan of the movie, but spent countless hours with flight-sims  like Wing Commander and Tie Fighter, so I was actually a little excited to play this game. My mistake. Expecting Tie Fighter while playing Top Gun is like expecting water while drinking battery acid.

Nothing I could say about the Nintendo Entertainment System's difficulty can even compare to this creepy Australian commercial  ———>

The Max Headroom cosplayer isn't pulling your chain when he declares his near-invulnerability. Nintendo was crazy hard. It was the Nintendo Entertainment System which birthed such joys as whipping your remote across the room and complaining that Tecmo Bowl is cheating (although, in Tecmo Bowl's defense, it was your own damn fault for not choosing LT or Bo Jackson).

With the Nintendo's innate difficulty in mind, I hereby declare my quest to become...(drum roll, please)...

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM™

The task is devilish in its simplicity: Beat, in order, the ten hardest games ever produced for the NES without cheats of any kind. Load the cart, press start and play.