Tuesday, September 18, 2012

This is The Voice



(Fade in on title card for “The Voice.” A female voice singing plays over the title. Fade in to The Voice stage, JULIETTE SAUNDERS belting out a song center stage.)


JULIETTE
Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are…

(Cut to judges in their chairs. From left to right they are ADAM LEVINE: twitchy and rail thin with tattoos which seem to multiply each time the camera cuts back to him; CEE-LO GREEN: Rotund bordering on obese, dressed in silk pajamas and oversized sun glasses, a parrot on his shoulder; CHRISTINA AUGILERA: her platinum wig streaked with lime green tangles, her shirt cut low so her breasts sit front and center, airing herself with a lace fan; and BLAKE SHELTON: wearing strategic stubble and a black vest over a plaid shirt. They sit, nodding, some with eyes closed, lost in the music. CHRISTINA feints toward her button but sits back.)

JULIETTE
Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky…

(Cut to judges as CEE-LO GREEN mashes his button, swinging his chair around to face JULIETTE.

CEE-LO
Awwwww yeaahhh.

This sets of a chain reaction, where ADAM LEVINE, CHRISTINA and BLAKE SHELDON all hit their buttons as well.)

JULIETTE
(With ridiculous emphasis)
Twinkle, twinkle, little star… Hoooow I wooooondeeeer… Whaaaat yooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaare!

(The song ends with a flourish to enthusiastic applause from the crowd. CARSON DAILY, slicked hair and a leather jacket over a shirt and tie, joins JULIETTE on stage)

JULIETTE
Thank you, thank you.

ADAM
What’s your name, honey?

JULIETTE
Juliette Saunders.

ADAM
And what do you do?

JULIETTE
I’m a medical student.

ADAM
(Twitchy, lots of gesticulation, shifting in chair.)
Wow. You’re amazing, I mean, and obviously you’re gorgeous, so… You’ve got that going on… You know, that’s, that’s why I pushed my button, love, because I could hear in your voice that you… that you’re… so… hot. Damn. Can I get your number?

JULIETTE
I, what?

CHRISTINA
Shut up, Adam. Trust me, Juliette, I’ve been there, and (holds up thumb and forefinger stretched wide) remember his last name is ‘Levine.’ (Brings thumb and forefinger together until they’re just an inch apart while she mouths the word “jew.”) You’re not missing much.

ADAM
Hey! It’s average!

CHRISTINA
You’ve got a great tone, Juliette, but if you want to (singing a long vocal run) Heeeeyeeeyeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhougaaaaaageeegaaaaah!

JULIETTE
(Turns to CARSON)
I don’t…


(Cut to BLAKE SHELTON. His chair spins slow circles, unable to stop.)

BLAKE
(Speaking each time his chair faces front)
Could someone… Call the electrician?… My chair… Won’t stop… spinning…

CEE-LO
(Petting the Parrot on his shoulder, mumbling)
Hey, honey child, I hear you, that voice like two angels humped a Volkswagen. You open your mouth and your soul vomits a newborn puppy through space time and green trees mustard car…

(Close shot on JULIETTE and CARSON. CEE-LO continues mumbling a string of nonsense words)

JULIETTE
Are you okay? (Turns to CARSON) is he okay?

CARSON
He’s cool.

JULIETTE
I think he’s having a stroke.

CHRISTINA
(O.C.)
Hey forget the boys, Juliette, because us girls have to stick together…

JULIETTE
Oh my God. (averts her gaze from CHRISTINA) Your… your boobs are out.

(Cut to close shot on CHRISTINA. A pixilated censor bar hovers over her chest. She looks down, unconcerned)

CHRISTINA
That’s just how it’s cut. If you want to be like me, Juliette, you need to choose Team XTina …

JULIETTE
I don’t want to be like you.

(Cut to BLAKE, his chair spinning faster.)

BLAKE
Seriously, someone get the super. I’ve got a thing with motion sickness. I’m going to puke. This is my good vest.

(Cut to ADAM. His tattoos seem to have migrated up his neck and onto his face.)

ADAM
Juliette, listen, you’ve got flawless tone. I wish I had tone like that… and really it’s not that small.

JULIETTE
“It’s?”

ADAM
Yeah. Like four inches. That’s normal sized, right? And I know Sammy Hagar. Would you like to meet Sammy Hagar? Choose me, give me your phone number, and I’ll introduce you to Sammy Hagar.

(Cut to JULIETTE being attacked by CEE-LO’s Parrot.)

JULIETTE
It’s trying to mate with my hair!

(Cut to CEE-LO, smiling)

CEE-LO
(Rubbing his chest and belly)
No, honey boo boo chile, Mr. Parrot just smells your aura, like two elk in the snow-fallen woods, one mounted on the other, your voice like their beautiful lovemaking, gangnam style, baby. We can find that aura together, you and me and Mr. Parrot.

(Cut to BLAKE, spinning even faster now)

BLAKE
I know I’m not your style… I’m country… and you’ve got… your whole…

(BLAKE, unable to hold it, heaves forward, splattering a pathetic dribble of vomit on his vest)

BLAKE
Man… not my good vest…

(Cut to CHRISTINA, pixels dancing as she shakes her chest and sings)

CHRISTINA
(Singing)
Oooooohhhhheaaaaaeaaaaaaaeaaaaaaeaaaagoooogiiiitygaagitty…

ADAM
So who you gonna pick, baby?

(Lights go down, tense music plays. Cut to CARSON and JULIETTE. JULIETTE’S hair is disheveled and frayed where Mr. Parrot has tried to make sweet love to it. JULIETTE turns to CARSON.)

JULIETTE
Can I choose you?

CARSON
Oh hell no. I don’t want any part of this hot mess.

(Close shot on JULIETTE’S face as she studies the judges.)

(Cut long shot of judges. ADAM, tattoos now covering every inch of exposed skin, crawls with manic energy over his chair. He produces and apple from his pocket, gnaws it franticly and spits the juice. CEE-LO babbles mostly nonsense sounds as he makes out with Mr. Parrot. CHRISTINA keeps sustaining the same note, her pixilated boobs shaking. BLAKE has passed out in his spinning chair.)

(Cut back to JULIETTE and CARSON. With a shrug she hands her microphone to CARSON.)

JULIETTE
Ah, you know… I’m… I’m good. I think I’ll just go back to med school.

(JULIETTE turns and walks off stage, head shaking. Hard cut to “The Voice” title card as the show’s bumper music sings “This is the voice!”)

(Fade out.)


2 comments:

  1. I saw this as a link on Reddit... Haven't laughed so hard in a while. Man I wish SNL could have funny sketches like this!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! This is what I picture every time The Voice comes on when flipping through the channels.

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