(Fade in on title card for “The Voice.” A female voice singing plays over the title. Fade in to The Voice stage, JULIETTE SAUNDERS belting out a song center stage.)
JULIETTE
Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are…
(Cut to judges in their chairs. From left to right they are ADAM LEVINE: twitchy and rail thin with tattoos which seem to multiply each time the camera cuts back to him; CEE-LO GREEN: Rotund bordering on obese, dressed in silk pajamas and oversized sun glasses, a parrot on his shoulder; CHRISTINA AUGILERA: her platinum wig streaked with lime green tangles, her shirt cut low so her breasts sit front and center, airing herself with a lace fan; and BLAKE SHELTON: wearing strategic stubble and a black vest over a plaid shirt. They sit, nodding, some with eyes closed, lost in the music. CHRISTINA feints toward her button but sits back.)
JULIETTE
…Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky…
(Cut to judges as CEE-LO GREEN mashes his button, swinging his chair around to face JULIETTE.
CEE-LO
Awwwww yeaahhh.
This sets of a chain reaction, where ADAM LEVINE, CHRISTINA and BLAKE SHELDON all hit their buttons as well.)
JULIETTE
(With ridiculous emphasis)
Twinkle, twinkle, little star… Hoooow I wooooondeeeer… Whaaaat yooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaare!
(The song ends with a flourish to enthusiastic applause from the crowd. CARSON DAILY, slicked hair and a leather jacket over a shirt and tie, joins JULIETTE on stage)
JULIETTE
Thank you, thank you.
ADAM
What’s your name, honey?
JULIETTE
Juliette Saunders.
ADAM
And what do you do?
JULIETTE
I’m a medical student.
ADAM
(Twitchy, lots of gesticulation, shifting in chair.)
Wow. You’re amazing, I mean, and obviously you’re gorgeous, so… You’ve got that going on… You know, that’s, that’s why I pushed my button, love, because I could hear in your voice that you… that you’re… so… hot. Damn. Can I get your number?
JULIETTE
I, what?
CHRISTINA
Shut up, Adam. Trust me, Juliette, I’ve been there, and (holds up thumb and forefinger stretched wide) remember his last name is ‘Levine.’ (Brings thumb and forefinger together until they’re just an inch apart while she mouths the word “jew.”) You’re not missing much.
ADAM
Hey! It’s average!
CHRISTINA
You’ve got a great tone, Juliette, but if you want to (singing a long vocal run) Heeeeyeeeyeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhougaaaaaageeegaaaaah!
JULIETTE
(Turns to CARSON)
I don’t…