Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Puig's Plainview Pool Party
Last night we found out what really grinds Willie Bloomquist’s gears. Drafted in the 8th round out of college and then going unsigned? Fine. Bouncing between four baseball teams in three years? Okay. Relegated to utility roles, playing every position save pitcher and catcher? No problem. But swim in Bloomquist’s pool and Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk.
Following their NL West Division clinching victory over rival Arizona Diambondbacks, the Los Angeles Dodgers helped themselves to the pool beyond Chase Field’s centerfield wall. Arizona’s glorious H20 sullied Dodger Blue, Willy Bloomquist went beast mode on the media.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Welcome to the AFC North Basement, Pittsburgh!
Hey! It's good to finally have some company down here in the
basement. Mi casa is su casa, amigo! Wait...is something the matter? It looks
like someone just punched you in the sack, man. Cheer up, Pitty, it's not that
bad down here. I've been here...shit, a long time, anyway...I've made it kind of homey! Plus,
you've got me for company. We can be BEST BASEMENT BUDS!
Forget about Kaepernick and Wilson up there playing Madden
in the living room. My brother let me have his old Nintendo, dude. You have to
wiggle it and sometimes you get electrocuted when it turns on, but we got Tecmo
Bowl all up in here! We can relive the good times together! Remember 1991? Bernie Kosar versus Bubby Brister? Those were some good times.
My boy Weeden was down here playing Tecmo Sunday, but he
jammed his thumb so coach said he can't play anymore.
Oh, that reminds me, my ladyfriend—you see her,with the dog mask on?—she asked you not bring Big Ben down here. I hope you're not mad, new best friend. She's just really touchy about being sexually assaulted.
So...what to tell you... It gets cold down here during the winters. No worries, though, my fanbase blows so much hot air it's really not so
bad. Plus we've got this old Cleveland Municipal Stadium blanket leftover from
our last NFL championship. It's gotten a little tattered in the last 49 years
and It's kind of damp from tears of anguish but it'll keep you warm enough. You
only brought that little towel to keep warm? That's so Pitty …what would you do
without me as your new best buddy?
What are those big silver trophies you have, man? And why do you need 6 of them? That seems like overkill to me. They look so weird... anyway, whatever they are, you could probably pawn them off to buy some ramen. Pickings are pretty slim down here.
Oh man, I'm so excited to finally have some company! You
wanna go ding dong ditch the Ravens' place? You picked a good time to come down here, Pitty old pal. I
used to sleep in the fetal position on the floor, but Andy Dalton gave us his
old futon from his dorm at TCU. The springs are kind of worn, and there's these stains right here, but he said not
to worry bcause they're just old donut glaze.
I'm just so glad you're down here in the basement with me, Pittsburgh. Just think of it, "CLEVELAND AND PITTSBURBGH...BASEMENT BESTIES FOR EVER!" It's gonna be great.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
T. Swift - Sociopath
T. Swift's narrator is strong-voiced, swoony with love and
oft wronged. Her unapologetic beltings seem a pean to the "girl
power" of the late 90's. However, consuming the whole of Swift's catalogue
in a single sitting with a half-dozen pots of coffee reveals a dark turbulence
below the shiny pop. We glean our thesis from the opening stanza of "I
Knew You Were Trouble" (emphasis mine):
I
guess you didn't care / and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard / you took a step back
Without me, without me / without me
And when I fell hard / you took a step back
Without me, without me / without me
This innocent-seeming passage highlights our narrator's
agility in sidestepping the truth. Taking a step from the infectious hook, we
realize our narrator has glossed over falling
in love with a man she'd only just met. This avoidance of truth, inconsistency
of voice and anti-empathetic tone occurs again and again in Swiftian work:
Your
guard is up and I know why./Because the last time you saw me/is still burned in
the back of your mind./You gave me roses and I left them there to die. (Back to December)
We were
talking / I didn't say half the things I wanted to. (Hey Stephen)
People
are people, and sometimes we change our minds. (Speak Now)
The pattern holds throughout the Swift catalogue: the
narrator makes declarations then contradicts herself in the next breath. A sociopath,
simply defined, is one who displays extreme, antisocial behavior lacking
conscience. Taken in concert, Swift's body of work reveals a sociopathic liar who takes joy in the manipulation and psychological
abuse of her varied paramours.
Let's look at another example, this time from "We are
Never Getting Back Together." The opening lines mean to frame the
narrator's love interest the archetypal, non-committal male in order to later gain
satisfaction from casting stones. However, a close reading of the text paints a
different picture:
I remember
when we broke up the first time
…'cause like… We hadn't seen each other in a month… Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you" …I say, "I hate you," we break up …
…'cause like… We hadn't seen each other in a month… Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you" …I say, "I hate you," we break up …
Not only is our narrator the antagonist of her own tale, but
she enjoys the sadism found in torturing her desperate lover. Read as such, the
spoken interlude later in the song shrivels male genitals everywhere:
Uggg...
so he calls me up and he's like,
"I
still love you,"
And I'm like... "I just...
And I'm like... "I just...
We are
never getting back together. Like, ever"
Men, as a gender, often stand in the way of their own
emotions. Presented with a man displaying dedication and lack of
self-preservation by declaring love, our narrator simply puts on her
"sexy baby" voice and swats
him away like a fly.
Going back to "Trouble," we can now see the problems
inherent with Swiftian unreliable narration. The chorus gloats again and again to
an ex-lover, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." However, did
our narrator truly believe their own statements? Perhaps she correctly assed
trouble and intentionally engaged in
relations to fill a masochistic need. Given a bubblegum tessellation on Humbert
Humbert, we should take nothing at face value.
"You Belong With Me," is meant to be an ode to the
one who got away. Unreliable narration makes it the story of a "friend-zoned"
girl trying to infect an imagined paramour with her own virulent unhappiness.
Our narrator intends "Love Story," to be a modern
Romeo and Juliet song:
'Cause
you were Romeo – I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet."
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet."
The more likely explanation of the text is our narrator's tired
father is trying against all hope to protect oblivious lovers from his succubus
of a daughter.
We must, however, draw an important line, that being the one
separating art from artist. Our author may be in the minority of well-adjusted teen-stars
and merely chooses to write every song in
the voice of a brutal sociopath. Swift shows us again and again; readers,
listeners and viewers must retain a healthy skepticism for the voice of their
narrator.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
More Anti-Big Ten Propoganda
Braxton Miller is only ranked #19 on this list? Are you kidding me? 19? The Lamestream Media's anti-B1G bias has never been so blatant as it is in the following "article:"
http://www.seventeen.com/college/hottest-college-football-players
http://www.seventeen.com/college/hottest-college-football-players
Friday, September 6, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
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