Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Welcome to the AFC North Basement, Pittsburgh!

Hey! It's good to finally have some company down here in the basement. Mi casa is su casa, amigo! something the matter? It looks like someone just punched you in the sack, man. Cheer up, Pitty, it's not that bad down here. I've been here...shit, a long time, anyway...I've made it kind of homey! Plus, you've got me for company. We can be BEST BASEMENT BUDS!

Forget about Kaepernick and Wilson up there playing Madden in the living room. My brother let me have his old Nintendo, dude. You have to wiggle it and sometimes you get electrocuted when it turns on, but we got Tecmo Bowl all up in here! We can relive the good times together! Remember 1991? Bernie Kosar versus Bubby Brister? Those were some good times.

My boy Weeden was down here playing Tecmo Sunday, but he jammed his thumb so coach said he can't play anymore.

Oh, that reminds me, my ladyfriend—you see her,with the dog mask on?—she asked you not bring Big Ben down here. I hope you're not mad, new best friend. She's just really touchy about being sexually assaulted.

So...what to tell you... It gets cold down here during the winters. No worries, though, my fanbase blows so much hot air it's really not so bad. Plus we've got this old Cleveland Municipal Stadium blanket leftover from our last NFL championship. It's gotten a little tattered in the last 49 years and It's kind of damp from tears of anguish but it'll keep you warm enough. You only brought that little towel to keep warm? That's so Pitty …what would you do without me as your new best buddy?

What are those big silver trophies you have, man? And why do you need 6 of them? That seems like overkill to me. They look so weird... anyway, whatever they are, you could probably pawn them off to buy some ramen. Pickings are pretty slim down here.

Oh man, I'm so excited to finally have some company! You wanna go ding dong ditch the Ravens' place? You picked a good time to come down here, Pitty old pal. I used to sleep in the fetal position on the floor, but Andy Dalton gave us his old futon from his dorm at TCU. The springs are kind of worn, and there's these stains right here, but he said not to worry bcause they're just old donut glaze.

I'm just so glad you're down here in the basement with me, Pittsburgh. Just think of it, "CLEVELAND AND PITTSBURBGH...BASEMENT BESTIES FOR EVER!" It's gonna be great.

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