Friday, October 28, 2011

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wizards

The other day, two adjacent synapses fired simultaneously and I was struck by the following thought:

TMNT Hogwarts
If the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 
attended the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, into which Houses would they be Sorted?

Very nerdy, I know. Placing two, three or all four of the Turtles in any one house would upset the tenuous balance between Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Plus, not even Harry Potter could beat a Quidditch team with Michelangelo and Raphael as Beaters. The Sorting Hat would certainly place one Turtle per House, and I'm confident--nay, certain!--the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be Sorted as follows:

Of the Four Ninja Turtles, Donatello is the easiest to sort. Known for his superior intellect and introspective nature, the Sorting Hat would only have to graze Donatello's green dome to discern which house suits him best. Think of it this way: is Don more Harry Potter or Luna Lovegood? It's not a stretch to think Don has a copy of the Quibbler tucked into his shell. And besides, would you really want to grant Michaelangelo access to Rowena's Diadem? That means Donatello must be...

RaphaelLike his buddy Donatello, Raphael offers little challenge to the Sorting Hat. Perhaps Raphael would consider himself a 'realist,' but the more honest assessment is that he's equal parts ambitious and pessimistic. His fighting skills are a close second Leonardo, and Raph is vocal in his desire to usurp the do-gooder Leo as leader of the Clan. Again, the Hat would only have to touch the sweat of his green skin to decide Raphael certainly is a...


This is where the Sorting Hat gets flummoxed. Both Michelangelo and his brother Leonardo show flashes of brilliance. Both have great strength and show little fear in the face of danger. Leonardo shows more pluck as leader, but Michelangelo shows greater creativity in solving problems. Mike isn't one to let a few stingy rules get in the way of what is right and good. And besides, which other house would accept the designated party animal of the four Turtles? Think of Michelangelo as the 3rd Weasly twin. After a long deliberation, the Sorting Hat opens it's mouth and declares, "Cowabunga! Michelangelo must be...

LeonardoBy process of elimination this one becomes obvious. I can hear fandom's slobbering legions decrying my turn as Sorting Hat with Curses not allowed without a permit. But consider some of the tenets which make one a Hufflepuff: Empathy, Constancy, Loyalty, Justice and Honesty. How could any Sorting Hat in its right seams apply any of these terms to Michelangelo? Yes, Leonardo acts as leader and yes he shows great courage--but by the same token, he is bound rules and refuses to stray from the precepts of law. He must be...

Donatello would probably excel in Herbology and Transfiguration. Raphael would (naturally) obsess over Defense Against the Dark Arts. Leonardo, already imagining his job as a Ministry Auror, would throw himself into Potions and Charms. Michelangelo, of course, would organize parties in the Common Room and spend a lot of time inhaling fumes in the Astronomy Tower. Beyond that--who knows? There's always Quidditch tryouts.

No comments:

Post a Comment