Monday, June 29, 2009

My Interview with James Patterson

Exclusive to Keith is Good! News.

Morning's elongated rays stretch across this secluded corner of Giovanni's Breakfast Bistro. James Patterson, world-renowned author, happily munchinges on a bowl of Froot Loops across from me. A rivulet of milk dribbles from the corner of his mouth, navigating the slalom of his morning stubble and dripping to the table linens. Even at 62, his square face carries the affects of youth, sprightly eyebrows and the carefully hewn mouth. Patterson is among the most scuccessful novelists of all time, spawning both the Womens Murder Club series and Detective Alex Cross. His latest book, called Swimsuit, tells the thrilling tale of a model dissapeared from her Hawaii photo shoot. On the morning of its release, we've met to discuss the arc of his career.

Keith is Good!: Thanks for meeting me this morning, as a writer, its a real thrill to get to speak with you.

James Patterson: Num num num...Froot Loops.

K: I'm a Cinnamon Toast Crunch man, myself.

P: [Unintelligible]

K: yeah. So, Tell me, Mr. Patterson, of all the novels you've written, which is your absolute favorite?

P: Obviously The Thomas Berryman Number.

K: Your first novel! Is it a case of the first time being the best time?

P: First time? [munches Froot Loops] Son, that's the only book I've ever written.

K: Wait. You're the most successful novelist on the planet! You've written over 50 books!

P: Like what?

K: Okay, well what about your latest book, Swimsuit?

P: Never heard of it.

K: Look, its right here! Your picture is on the back!

P: Hey! That IS me! And it says on the cover that I wrote it. [browses book] Ugh. This is terrible.

K: What about the Women's Murder Club series; 1st to Die, 2nd Chance, 3rd Degree?

P: That sounds awfully familiar...

K: And the Alex Cross series? Along Came a Spider, Kiss the Girls?

P: Wait, you're telling me they made books of all those? [a look of foreboding] Oooohhhhh...

K: What?

P: That rascal!

K: What?

P: Well, for the past 30 years or so, there's this little ratty guy follows me around sometimes. You see, he takes notes of things I say. One day, I counted to ten and he smiled real big, and the next thing you know I got a check in the mail for a million dollars!

K: Really!?

P: And then after that I started singin' nursery rhymes and that little fella started scribblin like mad...You said my latest book is called Swimsuit?

K: Yes...

P: Well I'll be! Why just last month I told that little guy I needed to get a Swimsuit! He smiled real big and said that was a 'great idea!'

K: Have you ever mentioned your Lake House to him?

P: All the time!

K: So how many books have you actually written?

P: Just The Thomas Berryman Number.

K: You had no idea the Publisher was turning your random musings into books?

P: Not until just now.

K: And you had no clue as to why your publisher kept sending you massive checks?

P: I just figured The Thomas Berryman Number sold like a bazillion copies.

K: Oh my god, you're an imbicel. You're the model of success for every writer in the world and you've hardly written a thing.

P: I did write The Thomas...

K: Oh enough with it already and eat your damn Froot Loops. You think you'll ever read any of your own books?

P: [Leaves through Swimsuit] Lord no, the writing in this thing is terrible.

K: You have no idea.

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