Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Dr. Phil Drinking Game!

The Dr.Phil* Drinking Game
Brought to you by the staff at Keith is Good
*see footnote below

1. If Dr. Phil (“DP”) opens the show with “y’all” in his first sentence, take a drink
a. take two drinks for “howdy y’all”
b. Four drinks if followed directly by “how y’all doin?”

2. Any time the phrase “Oklahoma Boy” is uttered, take a drink.

3. Take a drink immediately following any bald jokes.
a. follow that with another drink if a picture of DP with hair is put up.

4. If Robin McGraw (“Robin”) is co-host, take a drink
a. If Robin is hosting solo, add an additional drink, then thank the lord you’ve been spared from looking at DP’s ugly mug for the hour.

5. Drink proportional to the amount of crying per segment of the show.
a. one beer per 10 seconds
b. one shot per 30 seconds
c. a sixer per minute
d. a fifth per five minutes
♠. If the perpetrator of the crying is male (Genetically XY), skip ahead to 5c.
♦. If you are unsure of the genetic makeup of the crying guest, take an additional drink.

5.5. if you cry during the show, use subsets 5a-d, double all values if XX, triple if XY

6. One drink per each B-List celebrity guest.
a. One additional drink if DP hypes said guest with phrases such as “Huge Star” or “my favorite.”
b. An additional drink if said celebrity confesses, “I watch your show all the time,” because if they say this, they are filthy liars.
c. One additional drink if the ‘celebrity’ (note the quotations) attempts to hock whatever s****y project they are currently working on.
♠. If their s****y project is a s****y book, go to rule # 10, double all starting values.

6.5. If the celebrity status of the guest is disputed, (“does the guy from Perfect Strangers count?”) then take one drink, ignore the subsets of rule 6.

7. Anytime DP mentions Natalee Holloway or the Octomom, shotgun a beer, and throw the empty can at the TV.
a. If you kidnap rich white girls for the third world sex trade, take and additional drink.
b. If you are in the process of creating an army of zombie children, take two additional drinks and then rush back to the sperm bank.
♠. For 7b & c, if you cry at any time, then double all values of rule 5.5.

8. Anytime DP introduces a segment with a graphic that looks like it was made on a Tandy with Print Shop, drink proportional to how idiotic the graphic looks. Use your best discretion.

9. Steal a beer from your dad every time Jay McGraw (“Jay”) appears.

10. One drink every time DP mentions one of his books.
a. two drinks if he mentions another of his books.
b. Follow the formula [(d-1)*(d-2)] = d′ to determine the number of drinks for each additional DP book mentioned by DP, where value d is the number of drinks taken at the last mention of a book.

10.5. If Jay appears and mentions his books, follow rule 10, double your starting value and steal all drinks from either parents or the local liquor store.

10.7. You may substitute any subset of rule 10 with the following:
a. If you have written a book, drink three shots of Kool-Aid, and immediately throw your book at the TV
b. If your book has gotten to # 10 or higher on the New York Times Bestseller List (NYTBSL), Chug a pitcher of Kool-Aid (any Flavor), throw the pitcher at the TV
c. If your book has gotten to #1 on the NYTBSL, do a wicked-sweet air guitar solo, then crank-call DP, using your favorite swear word.
♠. If you are Dan Brown, ingest a bottle of Vicodin and a fifth of Vodka, while clubbing yourself over the head with “The DaVinci Code.”
♫. Or simply make a snow angel in a pile of money.

11. You may substitute any of portion 10 with the following: Urinate on a DP Book.
a. if you instead defecate on a DP book, you win.

12. Take a drink if you watch an entire episode of DP
a. if you are XX genetically, ignore the following subsets, merely turn off the TV and go about your business
♠. I’m sure your husband could use a sandwich.
b. If you are XY genetically, Immediately contact a qualified Plastic Surgeon so you may set an appropriate date for your sex change operation
♠. Choose an fitting female name. Your mother’s grandmother’s first name, followed by the street you lived on as a child seems to be a popular choice: i.e. Ester Westwood.
♣. Get a pair of panties and a skirt so you can practice not “showing the goods.”
See: Sharon Stone, “Fatal Attraction.”
♥. Finish whatever alcohol you have left in your house/apartment/trailer/cave.

13. If you share the affliction of a guest, Tape/TiVo/DVR/Send for a transcript of the episode and double all drink values upon each successive viewing/reading

14. One drink per each “Dr. Phil-ism.”
a. one additional drink if the Phil–ism makes no f****** sense.
b. One additional drink if the Phil–ism is followed directly by a shot of a confused audience member.
c. Two additional drinks if the Phil–ism is followed directly by a shot of a confused guest.
♠. Two additional drinks if the confused guest is a B-Celebrity.

15. Take a drink each time DP substitutes a non-offensive swear word with it’s first letter. i.e. “you a-hole” “son of a b” “I am a fat a f-ing f”
a. Take a drink if Dr. Phil then goes on to use a swear word in the next thirty seconds. i.e.: “you called him an a-hole and a dumb s**t.”

16. Take one drink each time Dr. Frank Lawless (“Lawless”) appears
a. one additional drink if Lawless is introduced as “chairman of the Board for the Dr. Phil Show.”
b. One additional drink if DP unceremoniously kisses Lawless’ ass with phrases such as “great doctor” “one of the best” or “great lay.”
c. If Lawless brings out a book, you should just punch yourself in the face and pass out, because it would be better than the required octo-sextupling of all values in rule 10.

17. One drink at the mention of Oprah Winfrey (“Oprah” or “Devil”).
a. begin the Hari Kari or Seppku ceremonies if Oprah appears on stage with DP.
b. If with a group, wear identical sneakers and sweatsuits for rule 17a.

18. One drink each time DP brings out some useless gadget or crappy CD and then says “everyone in the audience gets one!”
a. Two drinks if the gift is one of his books.
b. If this is a special giveaway show then you’re f*****.
♠. Subsets for rule 10 apply if multiple books are given: double all values.

19. If David Letterman (“Letterman”) appears on the show, or DP appears on Letterman, get up and do twenty seconds of Irish Step Dance while singing:

“Meet the monomaniacal men
Receding hairlines, y’all!
The world would be a better place
Had they not appeared at all!”

to the tune of “Row Row Row Your Boat.” After finishing the song and dance, throw a blue note card at the screen and give a hacking laugh.

20. Substitute all rules for the Dr. Phil Drinking Game with rule 21 at the following occasions:
a. The first episode of a season
b. The last episode of a season
c. A Christmas episode
d. Dr. Phil’s Birthday episode

21. Find an Industrial Steel Press and Lay your head in it, because it would be a much quicker death than watching the show and following the rules.

22. You may bypass the rules for the Dr. Phil Drinking Game with the following:
Don’t watch the Dr. Phil Show, it just encourages him to make more.

*Keith is Good in no way endorses either the Dr. Phil Televised Talking Programme or the partaking of the game as laid out by the rules above.

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