Thursday, October 4, 2007

Commissioner Alters Alphabet

Breaking News by The Truth* Staff

In a statement released early this morning, Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball, announced he has successfully lobbied to have the letter ‘C’ removed from the alphabet.

“Starting Thursday, October 4 2007 at 3:30 PM Eastern time, ‘C’ shall be eliminated from the alphabet and replaced by the underused and underappreciated ‘Z.’” he said in a succinct memo.

Most speculation of motive points to the possibility of a Cleveland / Colorado World Series for expunging ‘C.’ If the Indians and Rockies advance to the World series, the two small market, low-buzz teams would undoubtedly play in the lowest rated World Series of all time. Such a scenario would spell tens of millions in losses for MLB in TV licensing and merchandise sales. Eliminating ‘C’ eliminates the possibility of this un-profitable matchup.

The commissioner’s office scoffed at such speculation.
“We love the parity in today’s Major League Baseball,” a representative for Mr. Selig said. “I mean, who wants to see the Yankees and the Red Sox every year, drawing their massive TV audiences and selling millions and millions in overpriced merchandise? Would you excuse me, My H3 is triple-parked.”

Apparently the machinations to remove ‘C’ began when it looked Colorado and Cleveland would have a shot at making the playoffs. Dirk Kempthorne, US Secretary of the Interior, said he was contacted in early September.

“At first I was a bit surprised, yes, but after some research, we found it was quite simple. Commissioner Selig was…very persuasive,” Secretary Kempthorne said, thumbing a small pile of sequential 100-dollar bills. “I spoke with [US Secretary of Education] Margaret [Spellings] and we agreed almost at once. The benefits clearly outweigh the costs. I sure as hell don’t want to see Colorado in the World Series.”

Removal of C, as well as eliminating clubs, also has eliminated the players who could contribute in the small markets. Tim Kurkjian, ESPN baseball guru, points to the soon-to-be Zleveland Indian’s now depleted starting pitching.

“The removal of ‘C’ is huge. No ‘C’ means no C.C. Sabathia and certainly no Fausto Carmona. You think Paul Byrd, [Jake] Westbrook and [Joe] Borowski are going to pitch this Zleveland team to the Series? Damn no!”

This move also has had some unexpected repercussions. Chone Figgins, outfielder for the Angels, has been forced to change his name.

“It was always pronounced ‘Shawn’ anyway,” he said after the Angel’s ALDS Game 1 loss to Boston. “I just wish [Bud Selig] would have gotten rid of ‘C’ sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten beat up so much in High School if I had a regular name, you know?”

Perhaps the most drastic change due to the official removal of ‘C’ is the shift of one of MLB’s most storied franchises, the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs, who opened their 2007 playoff run with a loss to Arizona, have announced they will change their name to the Zhizago Shrubs, coming in just a hare ahead of the alternative “Doctor Zhizago’s.” Said a team merchandising official, “I mean, Wrigley always had the ivy on the wall, so we figured the ‘Shrubs’ made as much sense as anything.”

Selig, when told he had inadvertently pushed The Cubs, one of his most profitable teams, to the brink of obscurity by removing ‘C’ from the alphabet, had a response as brief as the memo which started all the trouble.


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