Monday, July 20, 2009

Michael Vick Returns to Professional Sports

-- Wins first match 150-30

Disgraced American Football star Michael Vick made his triumphant return to professional sports last evening; leading the West Lancasterfordshire Sea Dragons to a stunning upset of seven-time European Quidditch Champion Vratsa Vultures by a score of 150-30. Vick snagged the Snitch in the sixth minute, midst an equal portion of cheers and boos.

Sea Dragons' manager Horace Wrigglebottom told reporters after the match how his much-maligned club came to acquire the former NFL Superstar and emerge victorious.

"When [Sea Dragons' Captain Alvin] Stewart got suspended for using P.E.P.s' (performance enhancing potions), we knew drastic action was needed to stay competitive. You can't just appirate another seeker from thin air -- it's against the rules, you know. So, inspired by American University Football, I developed the "Quidditch Spread" Offense; no chasers -- just a keeper, a seeker and beaters. Everyone on the pitch acts as a de-facto seeker, and so long as only the real seeker touches the Snitch -- no snitchnip foul! Its just like the Yanks do; score fast and win.

"The only problem was with Stewart serving a 30 Match suspension (and I still say he drank that Invigoration Draught by mistake) was we needed someone with the speed, strength and athleticism to anchor our spread offense. Honestly, it wasn't a day later that I saw news of Michael Vick's being released from Muggle Azkaban. I thought someone had slipped a vial of Felix Felicis into my butterbeer!

Whether potion-induced or not, luck was indeed with the Sea Dragons. It would seem Wrigglebottom's gambit has paid off and a new star shines in the Quidditch Firmament alongside names such as Krum and Wronski.

"Its just crazy, you know?" Vick said, Golden Snitch still writhing in his hand. "A few weeks ago I was in prison, and now I'm riding a broomstick? It's like I'm on Bewitched...only I'm catchin' little wing balls. Merlin's Beard! I'm just glad to be gettin' paid for real -- my lawyers don't roll pro bono."

Should their ascent continue, the Sea Dragons will have to cast Silencio on two different camps of critics. Quidditch purists decry Wrigglebottom's Spread Offense is a bastardization of the game, while Magical Creatures Rights Activists point to Vick's canine cruelty streak. It would seem, for the latter at least, that Sea Dragon faithful have found a suitable counterargument.

"Sure he killed some dogs," said Knight-Bus Ticket Agent and die-hard Sea Dragon fan Lionel Tuftledge, "but the way I figure, at least one of them had to be a sign of the Grim, yea? So really, Vick maybe did us a favor. And anyway, its not like he's Voldemort."

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