Scientists Isolate Gene for "Front Butt"

Cankle still elusive.

Keith is Good! Science News
18 June 2009
Oklahoma City, OK

A group of Oklahoma scientists announced today they've isolated the gene responsible for the flaccid fatty deposits surrounding the peritoneum known as "front butt." Lead scientist Dr. James Moore bubbled with optimism at this afternoon's press conference: "Isolation of this gene is halfway to a cure," he announced.

Moore, a product of Harvard Medical and MIT, was completely unaware of front butt's existence prior to accepting his position as lead researcher at the Oklahoma City Institute of Scientific Research. "Honestly," he said during the announcement, "I'd never seen or heard of any such phenomenon before [moving to Oklahoma]. But then I went to the local Wal-Mart to get a car battery and...I was amazed at the overwhelming frequency of this phenomenon."

The front butt gene seems to be a common one, present in "99 Percent" of the population. While that may sound like a troubling statistic, Moore says that there's no need to worry. In most people the gene remains latent. The specter of front butt seems to activate from the gene when, according to Moore's data, the carrier lives within one mile of both Wal-Mart and McDonald's.

"We're not sure if its some response to environmental factors created by those establishments or action patterns the create...either way the data is undeniable. I mean, just walk between Mickey Dees and Wally World and try to tell me I'm wrong."

A junior scientist on Moore's team hypothesized tthe gene acutally activates upon the wearing of a "fanny pack / american flag T-shirt" combo, but those instances occur within the standard deviation of the mean set [the Wal-Mart/McDonald's Set] and therefore his theory remains just that. There also seems to be a genetic link between the front butt and "cankles," but the true nature of their relationship is as yet a mystery. Both Phizer and Merk have shown preliminary interest and are bidding to fund further studies.

But that work will be better left to other scientists, Moore says. He plans to move on to genetic isolation of other phenomenon. His next project: find and eliminate the debilitating social disease, "Butter Face."