Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Specter Emboldens the Disenfranchised

Pisses everyone else off.

Breaking News by the Keith is Good! Staff
April 29, 2009
Washington, D.C.

Yesterday, in a stunning move, Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter switched his political affiliation from Republican to Democrat, citing a recent rightward swing in core Republican ideology. His former cohort exploded with vitriol and (aptly) accused Specter of "playing politics" to better his re-election bid. Democrats shrugged. "Can't stand the guy, personally," said an anonymous democratic insider. Beyond provoking a red-faced cacophony of shrill whistles from the punditry's Hydra, Specter's switch has emboldened other opportunists to take similar action.

Twiddles, a tabby house cat, held a press conference of her own shortly after Specter. "Meow meow meow meow," the cat purred, flashbulbs popping. "Meow meow meow purrrrrr meow meow." Luckily, Twiddles had brought an interpreter.

"Twiddles, inspired Senator Specter's brave actions, indicates that she no longer desires to be associated with feline kind. Cats have gone too far in gross personal grooming habits, licking their own rears and whatnot. Twiddles is switching from feline to canine. She much prefers being bathed as dogs are. She's not to wild about the whole 'fetch' thing, but she'll learn."

If that wasn't enough, Joe Girardi, manager of the under performing New York Yankees baseball team, held a press conference minutes after Twiddles.

"Yeah, we're tired of everyone hating us," he said in his signature drawl. "So as of today, we're officially switching to the Boston Red Sox." Girardi, amidst gasps and moans, took off his NY hat and replaced it with a cap bearing Boston's red B.

When told of the situation, Boston slugger David Ortiz went agape. "You mean Jeter and A-Rod are on my team now? I can't stand those pendejos!"

Similar switches dotted the social landscape: John Waters traded his personal brand of flamboyant homosexuality for the life of an accountant. Rain decided its too hot and became snow. Snow turned to Vanilla Ice.

Ortiz's comments are indicative of the problems of such bald-faced opportunism. What happened to personal integrity? Take television punditry for example. I mean, If Glenn Beck's ratings went down, he wouldn't jump to a different network to boost them back up again, right?



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